"World Bank" issues new "Iran report", world reacts

by Amir Taheri

Satire

The World bank today after reporting the latest 2011 economic report on Iran was quickly branded traitors, murders and rapist, for issuing their latest report on the Iranian economy based on their observations and having sent experts to evaluate the country. For obvious reasons, this news blog has agreed with other reputable news sources on this issue and will as of now refer to the World Bank as the "Mass murdering baby eating egoistic lying sons of baboons Bank". The mass murdering baby eating egoistic lying sons of baboons Bank today expanded as well on their new report for Vietnam and stated that currency reforms are progressing well. They expect an appreciation of 5% this year.

The non-partisan group "We are seeking the overthrow and removal of the Iranian government by all means necessary" or WASTOAROTIGBAMN issued their response saying, " By reporting their latest numbers on Iran the World Bank (Mass murdering baby eating egoistic lying sons of baboons Bank) has extended the survival of Iran's government as people need to think that the performance of this regime is horrible. We simply want to know, would it have killed them if they had printed the report we provided them last week?" After calling the Mass murdering baby eating egoistic lying sons of baboons Bank, blood sucking rapist, they quickly offered the Bank a way out and praise if they retracted their report. On that note this newspaper is also willing to go back to referring to this entity as the "World Bank", if these conditions are met.

The lead German economist Frank Schmidt of Deutsche Bank today said, "we must not look at the cosmetic appearance of Iran's economy as an indicator of the shape of things. If you remove from your view these new factories that were built in the last years you have nothing, right?? No doubt about it! We economist understand that behind these new fancy buildings, cars, and facilities there is nothing but dirt and rocks under them, so, we call upon the media to point this out to citizens of the world that they might not be fooled by Iran's supposed "development".

Also, the spokesman for the Movement of Iranian Liberation and Fraternity (MILF) which aims to bring about a stronger Persian culture to Iran and removal of all foreign influence in Iran, Thomas Liddelheimer, expanded on their plans. "I feel a strong connection to my people in Iran and that is why I have been gathering people every Friday for the last 32 years to protest Iran's government". I strongly feel that the pressure of our gatherings will be felt by Iran's leaders and then one day they can't handle it anymore. Mr. Liddelheimer, birth name is Ali Moradi but changed it in order for it to be easier for his colleagues and the media to pronounce.

While we asked questions at the protest movement, many locals decided to join the march as they felt that this cause was important. We spoke to a few who had decided to join the protests. One such person, Bob Brown, mentioned how he personally thought it was ridiculous that the Iranian government was forbidding families to only having one child and he felt that by coming out today he could do his part to change these laws. Marlene Johnson, mentioned that the fighting in Dafur was extreme and how many more Iranian women had to die under a crushing and outdated cast system before the world acted!

Israeli nuclear weapons scientist group calling itself the "Middle East Without a Bomb - apart from Israel" was disheartened at the latest news from the Mass murdering baby eating egoistic lying sons of baboons Bank. "After what we went through in the past, we cannot believe that this Bank would now treat us this way!" The nuclear weapons scientist further explained that Iran's economy is in shambles and they will continue to do their part to destroy it. The Israeli group could not make the protests of Mr. Liddelheimer as they had wished due to their prior obligations being involved with project XSTONE. This project is now in its climax and aims to produce a new multi-megaton and newer generation of thermal nuclear weapon.

Back at the White House, spokeswoman Jackie Dunken explained on Iran's recent work on by-passing the sanctions placed on it. In particular sanctions on cow farms. Five years ago, the United States and Europe in a joint effort banned Iran from all further cow farming, milking, meat packing and all other related work involving the slow moving four legged creatures. In a statement at the time they explained, "Allowing Iran to harvest the excrement and flatulence of cows is allowing Iran to move one step closer to terrorizing the world with gas bombs, and we as responsible free world leaders cannot stand by this gap in the international trade rules". Iran argues that millions of its people need the milk and meat produced from this animal. Spokeswoman Dunken continued with a list of front companies created by Iran to continue its nefarious acts. "These new companies are a sign that Iran is intending to misuse cow production for its own sinister needs, if Iran has nothing to hide than stop further cow farming, allow the international community to enter and after a few years of strong oversight we will promise you to either allow a small amount of controlled cow farming or we will promise to sell you the cows and milk you need". The onus is now on Iran to decide, but I feel that they have already taken the wrong path with these new front companies".

Editor’s Note: Amir Taheri is one of the authors of Uskowi on Iran. His weekly columns appear here on Fridays.